Some people plant a few flowers. Some grow veggies in summer. Maybe they have a little spider plant or bamboo in the office.

I am not exactly one of those people. My philodendron extends from one pot on a shelf across three walls in my dining room. The Maple sapling in my front yard cries when temperatures top 100 degrees. Starbucks baristas across the city save coffee grounds for me. Plant catalogs choke my mailbox and, yes, this 69 year old Master Gardener owns a tractor.

I can get somewhat obsessive about it all. My husband has grown accustomed to my insistence that vacations must be planned around key times for vegetable garden harvesting. I write two page long watering instructions for house sitters in the fervent desire that leaving for a week won’t destroy the charm and beauty of my home environment.

I’ve been told my unusual methods of approaching the challenges of the garden are effective, and I’ve given lectures for gardening clubs on various aspects of gardening from creating microclimates in high desert areas to vacuuming squash bugs. My friends smile and call me eccentric, fellow gardeners acknowledge me as competent and my kids just think I’m kinda quirky.

Available on Amazon.

Comments from prereaders:

From Fil Chavez, author of “Unused Towels”
MAD MAD MAD . . . with lots of really good advice!
I am not a serious gardener, I am more of a “Well, I tried but …” Nonetheless, this is indeed CRAZY MAD HUMOR … i.e., “squash bugs …. Horniest critters in the insect world … Live in a constant state of post-coital euphoria … take a cold bath.”
and it gets better! It is definitely worth getting the book. Thanks, Rosie!

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Alan E. Diehl, Ph.D.
“This is a lady who obviously knows her way around the garden and shares a wealth of information about developing a green thumb in high desert climates. She also has an amazing sense of humor and a superb writing style. Rarely do you see that in a “how-to” book, but this one is a real page-turner. You’ll laugh and learn at the same time.

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Parris Afton Bonds , Internationally Published Romance Author
THE THRILL OF IT ALL ~ EVEN THE MANURE
Rosie Kern entertains with humor the agony and ecstasy of her gardening experience. Whether you are a gardening afficionado or not, you will enjoy her foray into her passion for gardening

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V.F.R. Fun and Informative
Fun to read while filled with good advice for low-water-use gardeners. As a beginning gardener, the author wasn’t confined with the do’s and don’ts of gardening. She just dumped layers of compost materials and became thrilled with the results. With trial and error, help from friends, and copious coffee grounds from Starbucks, she “created my space and it reached back to transform me.”
Now after many years with spade and trowel, research, and persistence, Rose Kern shares her experience with humor and practical observations. Definitely worth a read.

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Dale Garratt A fun romp through an offbeat approach to gardening
An informative and entertaining read. Rose really thinks outside the box working on her (pretty extensive) garden. I love her high-imagination and low-effort approach to eliminating squash bugs on pumpkins.

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D. E. Williams Humorous take on gardening in the High Desert
Rose Kern has a delightful way of writing that brings freshness to the technical aspects of gardening. Not being a gardener (brown thumb all the way up to the elbow), I wasn’t sure the story would fit my reading taste, but it was witty and interesting. I thoroughly enjoyed the first 3 chapters and eagerly await what follows. Thanks for sharing your skill and your humor, Ms. Kern!
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Michael Hilarious yet educational take on gardening
From the first sentence, Rosie has such an engaging style of writing, laced with humor.
And if you’re not careful, you might even learn something.

Like many gardeners I have plants that I favor over others.  My Joseph’s Coat climbing rose, my agave cacti and a 50-year-old grapevine spring to mind.  I really enjoy my 3^rd generation philodendron which extends across three walls of my dining room (it REALLY likes the skylights!)

Anything new that’s caught my eye at a nursery usually gets preferential treatment for awhile.  I fuss over, and read up on what the websites say is the best growing conditions for it.  Normally I have already scouted out a permanent living place for it in the house or yard before I buy it, though I am guilty of a spontaneous purchase because its fronds beckoned alluringly as I wandered through Plant World.

I bought a really lovely bougainvillea and put it in a planter in front of the house one summer.  It was Stop-and-look-at-me beautiful even in the heat with brilliant purple-red flowers.  As winter set in, I became a bit concerned.  They don’t like cold.  So, I trimmed it back a bit, dug it up and put it in a big pot in my sunroom where it continued to delight all winter long.  The plant was a might too enthusiastic.  I kept having to trim it back to be able to walk through the room without being scratched by the toxic little thorns that grow along it’s vines.

The next summer I put it back outside, but this time I tried to put it someplace that it might be able live all year. After all, if these plants are used as roadside décor in Phoenix, then the lower temperatures of Albuquerque shouldn’t phase them at all, right?

The spot it was in an area protected from the elements, which it did not like as much as the first location.  It did flower, but not as densely and even though New Mexico winters are not as cold as places in the Midwest, the first little frost began its nose dive into becoming compost.

Yes, plants in the desert can get too much water and too much shade.

Frequently people who grew up in the Midwest long for specific plants that graced the landscape in their youth – most notably of course being grass. My husband, Wolf, is one such person and so wherever we live he has to have at least one small area devoted to grass.

One of the houses we inhabited for a few years was on top of a mountain foothill – the small redwood cabin had very little vegetation at 8,000 feet other than pin oaks, pinon, and other fir trees. As usual, Wolf bemoaned the lack of grass.   I happened to be driving down in town where someone had decided to take out their sod in order to xeriscape their front yard.  The owner was only too delighted to let me pile some of it in my pickup truck, so I took it home.  Wolf unloaded the small pile and created a patch of grass near the back door that was a total of 5 feet square!

I have the most ridiculous photo of him mowing it with a lawnmower.

Wolf’s dad came from Iowa and loved to garden.  Though Wolf is not plant oriented (other than grass) he remembers the odd pearls of wisdom imparted by his father.  The number one thing he remembers his dad saying is that if something is turning brown – water it.

Occasionally I will bring home a plant he actually takes an interest in – usually a tree – and he will water it….and water it…and water it.  When the leaves start to turn yellow, he waters it some more.  I tried to tell him that when leaves turn yellow with green veins it is frequently a sign of overwatering.

So far, I’ve replaced the young Red Maple saplings three times – he just loves them to death.

One of the greatest moral dilemmas of being a plant lover happens when a plant is attacked through insect invasions.  I don’t want to scatter poisons all over the yard – especially the vegetable garden!  How can I protect my delicate little tomato, bean, and squash plants?

There are pages and pages of advice on the internet.  They recommend scattering diatomaceous earth (finely ground coral) around the base of plants because it has really tiny spikes that will rip up the delicate underbellies of snails, slugs and other small insects.   But wait!  Aren’t we trying to protect the coral reefs around the world?  How can we steal the lovely, living coral just to grind it up into itty bitty tiny spikes meant to torture the cute little snails and roly-polys?

Of course, the worst are the squash bugs.  There is never just ONE squash bug, they always appear in a crowd. Half are climbing on the backs of the other half making MORE squash bugs. This grey shield shaped Coreidae is the horniest critter in the insect world. Did you know their young are called nymphs?

Since squash bugs live in a constant state of post-coital euphoria, they don’t move very fast, so you can just catch them by hand and dump them in a bucket of soapy water (Here, you oversexed cucurbit monster – take a cold bath!) But when it is already hot outside that’s a lot of extra work.

My methods are quicker and more soul satisfying. I duck into the tool shed to grab a 100-foot extension cord and a Shopvac. Plug it in, flip the switch, lift the leaves to expose the vermicious knids and WHOOSH, bugs gone. Then I find the leaves where tiny, shiny, brown eggs have been laid and do some careful surgery.

I really love my fruit trees.  I have two varieties of apple trees – Fuji and Honeycrisp.  These two varieties blended together make an awesome applesauce, and an even better apple butter – but the most wonderful combination comes when you add one special ingredient to the last couple hours cooking down the apple butter – Green Chili!

The sweet, cinnamon flavor of apple butter can really fling your eyes open when the latent heat from the pepper’s capsaicin slams into your taste buds.

There is a dilemma near the beginning of the growing season – a month after the bees have finished their dance through the apple blossoms. You see the apple trees like to explode with clusters of fruit per twig.  That sound wonderful, right?  Who doesn’t want lots and lots of apples?  Aren’t all those little green apples adorable?

The problem is that little green apples are all trying to grow into big red apples….and the twigs they are anchored to don’t have enough space for them all to achieve that goal so if you leave them alone all you may end up with is small gnome looking wrinkled fruit.  In order for you to get a really good harvest you have to eliminate all but one or two little green apples per twig.   YOU have to KILL more than half of the babies on the branch!   It’s torturing my soul as I carefully choose and twist off those little green baby apples. Yes, I admit it…I kill baby apples.

I can’t listen to that 60’s song by Bobby Russell without hanging my head in shame.

Luckily, I usually forget all about that at harvest time.

One of the things that I have noticed, but often ignore, is that a lot of my plants seem to prefer I go on vacation more often.  I worry that they won’t get enough water or that the summer heat will overwhelm them or that bugs will eat them….so I fertilize and talk to them and spray them with a pepper/onion/garlic combination that is supposed to discourage insects.    When I go on vacation the house sitter just waters on a regular schedule as instructed.

She doesn’t love them to death.

Rosie Kern writes about gardening from the heart and brings it to us with wit and unusual insights in her latest book, “The Competently Quirky Parables of an Eccentric Master Gardener.”  The book is available on Amazon and can be ordered through local bookstores with this ISBN: 978-0-9985725-5-0.

Greetings all!

This morning I gave a presentation for the Albuquerque Area Master Gardeners Association on how to protect your plants from the dry desert climate we live in.  We had a lot of fun learning how to examine our home environments for natural microclimates and how to create them if needed.  We looked at the forecasts for heat, cold, rain, and more throughout Bernalillo county over the next year.

Most of this is captured on the attached powerpoint linked below. If you have problems with that then click on the .pdf.

Powerpoint:   Protecting Plants apr 2024 ABQ MG    

PDF:  Protecting Plants apr 2024 ABQ MG

If you want to learn more about protecting plants from high desert heat, winds, and solar radiation, you can check out my full color book, “Secrets to Creating Microclimates for High Desert Gardening” now available on Amazon.

Did you know that the US Department of Agriculture updated the hardiness zone map which guides farmers and gardeners as to the expected first and last freeze dates in every area of the country?  Seed companies, greenhouses, and farms large and small have been trying to guess the coming seasons for centuries and they base their annual planting and harvesting around these dates.  We have all been noticing the changing weather patterns as the global temperatures have been slowly rising.

For individuals who enjoy growing, harvesting and preserving their own fruits and vegetables, their are ways of modifying yards and gardens to protect our plants most of which do not require going to the extreme of buying a greenhouse.    I live a mile high in central New Mexico, and have learned to take notice of how our location –  geographically, and vertically – affects plants.   At this altitude the cushioning layers of atmosphere enjoyed by sea level dwellers is greatly reduced.  Newbies to the area are surprised by how quickly they can get a sunburn even in mild temperatures – and don’t realize that the increased levels of solar radiation can also burn their vegetables when combined with the increasingly hot temperatures.

The Secrets to Creating Microclimates for High Desert Gardening covers basic weather patterns for the American southwest, and how to identify the microclimates all around us.    It gives ideas and advice on methods for protecting our home gardens using both commercial products as well as readily available and inexpensive options. It includes case studies of four properties located a varying altitudes from 1,000 ft to 7,500 ft. above sea level.

Author, Rose Kern is a veteran Master Gardener with certifications from the National Weather Service.  She’s given lectures on Microclimatology in New Mexico and Arizona for the USDA Master Gardeners program.

This full color book is available on Amazon in both print and ebook form.

Does your passion for gardening sometimes drive you insane?  

—-or maybe it is a release for pent up frustrations?

I can honestly say it is a bit of both for me and yet, there is also a deep seated compulsion to surround myself with healthy, living plants.  I want to breathe the petrichor as water liberates the scent from hot, dry earth.  I love to just in the garden and take in the scents of roses and lavender,  watch the mad dance of bumblebees scavenging apple blossoms or russian sage or listen to sparrows feed their young in nests hidden among the ivy.

Recently I’ve begun writing a series of articles which you can access through the Amazon Vella series.   It is written in an Erma Bombeck style of humor with crazy observations related to gardening.  As I say in the introduction:

Some people plant a few flowers. Some grow veggies in summer. Maybe they have a little spider plant or bamboo in the office.

I am not exactly one of those people. My philodendron extends from one pot on a shelf across three walls in my dining room. The Maple sapling in my front yard cries when temperatures top 100 degrees. Starbucks baristas across the city save coffee grounds for me. Plant catalogs choke my mailbox and, yes, this 67 year old Master Gardener owns a tractor.

My book “The Crazy Mad Gardener” will be coming out soon.   Some advanced reviews by other gardeners are below:

♠♥♠♥♠

Comments from readers of the Crazy Mad Gardener :

From Fil Chavez, author of “Unused Towels”

MAD MAD MAD . . . with lots of really good advice! 

I am not a serious gardener, I am more of a “Well, I tried but …”  Nonetheless, this is indeed CRAZY MAD HUMOR … i.e., “squash bugs …. Horniest critters in the insect world … Live in a constant state of post-coital euphoria … take a cold bath.”

All that on just the first page … and it gets better!  Well, not ‘better’ since these first thoughts are truly uniquely MAD!  It continues in a very enjoyable manner.  Oh, yes, lots of good advice as well.  I can hardly wait til next spring … maybe then, I would be able to say, “I am a serious gardener.”  

In the meantime, I gotta check out the composting guidance.  Lots of other good advice; wish to read this again.  It will definitely be worth getting the book.  Thanks, Rose!

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Parris Afton Bonds , Internationally Published Romance Author          

THE THRILL OF IT ALL ~ EVEN THE MANURE

Rose Marie Kern entertains with humor the agony and ecstasy of her gardening experience. Whether you are a gardening afficionado or not, you will enjoy her foray into her passion for gardening

◊◊◊◊◊

Dale Garrat      A fun romp through an offbeat approach to gardening

An informative and entertaining read. Rose really thinks outside the box working on her (pretty extensive) garden. I love her high-imagination and low-effort approach to eliminating squash bugs on pumpkins. “Grab a 100-foot extension cord and a shop vac and ‘whoosh’ they are all gone.”

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D. E. Williams       Humorous take on gardening in the High Desert

Rose Kern has a delightful way of writing that brings freshness to the technical aspects of gardening. Not being a gardener (brown thumb all the way up to the elbow), I wasn’t sure the story would fit my reading taste, but it was witty and interesting. I thoroughly enjoyed the first 3 chapters and eagerly await what follows. Thanks for sharing your skill and your humor, Ms. Kern!

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Michael       Hilarious yet educational take on gardening

Vicky         So much fun to read!

I’m not a gardener, and I rarely read anything about plants or gardening. However, I do greatly admire those people who can turn an ugly space into a beautiful garden. Rose is one of those, and I know this even though I haven’t seen her yard because she paints wonderful pictures with her words. I loved reading about her efforts to rid her yard of weeds; her discovery of unexpected surprises in her new property; the trials and tribulations of growing anything in the high desert. Her ability to take me right into her front yard as she creates raised beds is delightful. I’m a fan, and I can’t wait for finished book.

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Greetings Solar Enthusiasts,

If you wonder what my life is like down here in New Mexico and also if you have an interest in Solar Cooking, you might enjoy this youtube video featuring … me.  (Ta Da!) This was filmed in late fall of last year, but Luther did not get around to posting it until early spring.  I beg to point out that his cameras were unfortunately set at waist level…and this video in part made me realize how badly I needed to go on a diet. (I’ve lost about 27 pounds since then).

The first 26 minutes are in my front yard about solar cooking, then we take a tour of my sunroom/greenhouse.  We stroll out to where I have the solar vegetable dehydrator and at 33 minutes we are in the garden area ending up by the beehive.   I hope you enjoy the tour of my property!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzXpe1mAvlo

Rosie

www.solarranch.com

It’s a beautiful day in the desert.  Probably going to be hot…that’s a given…so you need a shade structure to set up over whatever items you plan on selling today.  Whether it be vegetables, crafts or pretty much anything, you and your customers will appreciate relief from the sun!

The 10×10 foot awnings available anywhere will provide shade.  These are generically designed to protect from a light rain as well.  Most of them have stakes to drive into the ground for stability from a light breeze, but the biggest drawback will be any moderate or greater gust of wind.  I’ve seen these shelters picked up by afternoon desert winds and tossed around like a dog with a stuffed toy.

You can mitigate the wind flow problem by using several strategies for anchoring or modifying the standard structure.  Ropes or bungees hooked to the upper corners and secured to cement bricks or 5 gallon buckets or plastic tanks of water is a good start, if you are allowed to set up next to a truck you can anchor to it as well.  Even then you’ll get some significant pulling when the wind scoops up from underneath. Even if the structure stays in place the wind can warp or damage the poles.

Another modification that significantly lessens winds ability to pull the structure.  Set it up and using a very sharp knife, make some V shaped or wave shaped slits in the fabric roof.  My daughter and I carved several different patterns into one of our structures and they work very well.  Also, in order to “hide” the modifications, we used acrylic paint to create a nice mountain picture on the outside of the roof.

The next time I set up to do some solar cooking demonstrations my structure withstood the afternoon winds significantly better than the others in the area.  While neighbors grabbed for the anchor posts frequently, the wind fluttered through and escaped through the venting.  We don’t often have to worry about heavy rain here, and the structure will still tolerate a mild rain without soaking people and items inside.

Are you a writer who wants to make money with your craft?

The first step is knowing who your real audience is.  You can find your audience by knowing your own capabilities and all the ways they touch on other people’s interests. 

SouthWest Writers is sponsoring a workshop being presented by Rose Marie Kern on Saturday: January 8, 2022, from 12:30 – 2:30 pm mountain time.  It is a Hybrid Meeting: In Person and via Zoom so anyone, anywhere,  can attend.  The cost is only $30 for the general public.

If you are searching for your audience? Rose Marie  will give you some insights into the knowledge, skills, and abilities you already have which can stimulate your creativity in writing.

This workshop will discuss:
√ What is a Niche Market?
√ Identifying your skills and abilities.
√ Marketing your niches.
√ Using your niches to create multiple streams of income.

Rose Marie Kern has written over 1,000 published articles and 5 books on the topics of aviation, gardening, sustainability, solar cooking and writing. Her wealth of experience in these areas provides her a rich basis for each one.

To Register:
Call the SWW office (505-830-6034, Monday–Thursday, 9:00 am–noon) or use the Online Registration Form. (Our online payment portal utilizes PayPal, but you’ll be given an option to pay by credit card without signing into PayPal.)

The Zoom invitation link and the password will be emailed to those who register. Please contact the class/workshop coordinator at Info@SWWriters.com for more information.

A couple months back an acquaintance who lived back east posted a video of herself with her physical fitness trainer running through some of his “special fitness techniques”.  There was a large tractor tire in the middle of a parking lot, and my friend was lifting it up and pushing it over.

Hmmm.  Turning over a tractor tire…and the area she was in was no where near a farm by the tall buildings in the background.

Doesn’t that seem silly?

When I told her I had a tractor out west here and a ranchette where she could actually do something practical while exercising she unfriended me on Facebook. Of course, she’d probably need to buy some jeans and cotton shirts instead of the bright pink and black work out clothes that probably cost more than my new goat.

I realize city folks spend all day sitting in cubicles with artificial lighting so they have to find ways of staying physically in shape to be healthy.  Like them, I was stuck in the D.C. area for two years in my job.  But I just can’t see paying money for the right to use a lot of machines – also indoors under artificial lighting – or having a private coach with “innovative” methods that look a lot like old fashioned farming.

During that time I found several state parks that needed help with keeping trails cleaned up or weeding gardens.  There was an animal rescue ranch not far away where I could help out and get to ride the horses.  I got a lot of exercise one day when the baby pigs got loose.  Of course, in winter I got the joy of shoveling snow out of my driveway, not something I do much here in New Mexico.

Every muscle group targeted in a gym is worked thoroughly by anyone who has a yard and garden.  Trimming bushes and trees works the forearms, biceps and hand muscles. Overhead swings with a pickaxe to break up clay soil is good for the abs.  Steering a loaded wheelbarrow around clamps the buttocks. Hoeing works the shoulders while shoveling dirt, piles of manure or snow is good for the calves.

The best part is that all this is done outside in the sun.  Not a lot of gardeners have vitamin D deficiency.  When you get to working on weed whacking the lawn or mulching the flower beds you lose track of time because your brain is engaged with details.  You don’t have to wear a headset while watching TV on your cell phone because running on a treadmill is incredibly boring.

Yards and gardens offer ongoing challenges and the delight of lovely flowers and fresh vegetables.